Insomnia Galau

Bloggie, kalo lagi kayak gini bawaannya ga bisa tidur. Insomnia dadakan nih gw, padahal semalem bangun jam 12 trus baru tidur jam 4. Tidur setengah jam, langsung bangun siap2 ke sekolah. Untung seharian murid gw anteng kemaren...

Gw tadi pulang sore. Males aja pulang cepet2. Tadinya mau mojok sendirian di manaaa...gitu. Tapi makin sendirian makin merasa terpuruk ntar gw, hahaha. Gw tadi nemenin Ms Neny makan sore, gw sendiri juga ikutan makan sih. Cuma salahnya, kenapa mesti minum capuccino... Helehhh... Jadi kembung dah nih sekarang.

Ngoreksi udah selesai 3/6, masukin nilai udah, nyiapin ngajar...hm, kayaknya ga perlu powerpoint. Besok gw cuma 2 jam pelajaran, piketnya mudah2an ga nginval. Besok pulangnya gw mau kemana dulu gitu ah, pelampiasan, hahaha. Kalo di rumah sepi, ga ada temennya. Jumat juga cuma harus nyiapin IPS, Bahasa Indonesianya class library. Oke sip. Jadi mainnya bisa sampe agak maleman dikit. Whoahhh... Harus semangat! Harus ceria lagi! Kasian orang2 di sekeliling kalo gwnya lemah, letih, lesu...

Bloggie, jam 12 gw mau nelpon Uda. Tapi sekarang masih jam setengah 12. Enaknya ngapain ya... Main Temple Run 2 bosen. Lagi puasa ol juga. Rencananya mau delete akun twitter kayak Uda. FB juga udah gw deactivate. Gtalk off. YM sekali2 gapapalah. Pokoknya, siapapun sekarang kalo mau ngehubungin gw via Whatsapp, SMS, atau telpon aja ya. Social networking ga cocok buat gw sepertinya-----selama gw masih belum bijak.

Okay bloggie, I'll find a way to kill the time. Pengennya sih mulai sekarang mau nahan diri buat gangguin Uda. Biar dy cepet lulus, nah kan gw juga tuh yang seneng, akhirnya dy bisa pulang. Paling ga sampe dy lulus. Kalo dy butuh gw, dy bisa gangguin gw kapan aja. Kalo gw lagi kangen--kan biasa tuh setiap hari gw kangen, gw tahan2in sedikit, jadi mudah2an bisa ngurangin nelponin Uda. Jadi Uda bisa konsen ngerjain TAnya. Oke, saatnya konsisten! Hm, tapi ga tau sih sanggup apa ga. Yang penting udah niat dan ada usaha, kalo ga bisa ya maklum aja ya. Hehehe.

Sendirian, dan Kesepian

Hey bloggie sayang. Maaf ya, cuma ngisi kamu pas aku lagi kayak gini. Lagi ngerasa sendirian banget. Biasanya ada Uda, tapi kayaknya kita belum baikan kayak semula. Tadi pas mau ngobrol sama temen gw juga lagi ga ada yang bales. Chat Uda juga ga dibales. Hm, sepi banget rasanya. Hehe. Poor me.

*tarik napas, buang*

Gw abis ngoreksi ulangan IPSnya anak2. Ada beberapa yang remedial. Agak khawatir sama beberapa anak, udah kurang males pula. Fiuh, nambah pikiran gw aja...

 

Bloggie, hari ini setiap bengong dikit sama pas sendirian bawaannya mewek terus nih. Hehe. Cengeng ya gw.

Hey bloggie, barusan Uda sms. Kangen... :'( Gw pengen kita baikan lagi. Mudah2an nanti bisa kayak sebelumnya. Dy minta maaf, tapi gwnya jg salah sih. Gw terlalu egois, cemburuan. Cuma gara2 dy mau jalan sama temennya yang cewe aja responnya lebay kayak kemaren... Huhuhu, mungkin bawaan dapet kali ya. Abis ga rela kalo mereka cuma jalan berdua... :'( Gila, kamseupay banget sih gw...

Bloggie, sendirian ga enak ya... :'(

What a Bless

Today ran well. I felt blue, but grateful to know that some people still cared for me. When I entered classroom, two of my students asked what happened with my eyes, what happened with me. Today, my students were a little bit silent. Maybe they knew that I was in pain. When I went to school and got back home, my parents asked what made me cry all night. It seemed they heard me last night. I felt ashamed, but they understood that this was "youth problem", hehehe. Eventhough it's hard to act like nothing happened, I was grateful to know that I was not alone. And-----yeah, I miss him so much. It needs so much strength to keep myself from dialing his number. It's been more than 12 hours so far. I'm still waiting for his message.

I Promise I will Return Your Life Back to You

I cant think of anything. It's empty.

A MESS I MADE

Damn. I ruined everything. Need some spaces for us to breath...

"I'm sorry for last night..."

Hi. I've just had dinner with my parents when suddenly I remembered how childish I was last night. Yeah, after some peaceful time, we had a fight. Yesterday, my boyfriend met his high school friend who moved in Surabaya because of her work. I allowed him to meet her, I was okay with that. But, he was there for too long.

First, I texted him at 5 asking if he met her or not. He replied my text at 6.30 saying that he's sorry for replying the text too long, it's because he was having a conversation with her parents. In the text, he said that after that he would go back to lab. "Oh, okay!" I thought.

At 21.30, I called him. My call was rejected. Then a text arrived. He said that he's on the way home. Once again,, I thought that he was heading to lab. But, he wasn't. He had just had some meal with his friend. And when he said on the way, it meant on the way to her house.

At 11, I called him and he said that he's just about to go home. What?! My heart burned. Jealousy came filling my heart. I thought, he wasn't there anymore. I got mad at him, really mad, and kept saying I thought and I thought. Soon as he arrived at lab, I called him. We talked for a moment, then his friend said that their lecturer looked for him.

Actually, I wanted to discuss what I was feeling inside. But considering the situation, I decided to end the call--with fire still burning inside me. I just wanted him to realize how I felt. At that time, actually I felt that I was too cruel but I just wanted him to know how hurt I was. I cried.

After some minutes, I fell asleep. All I want was I would feel better the next morning. Yeah, I did. But he didn't. I was supposed to know that he would not be able to act like nothing happened. He sent me a text, saying that he's sorry.

Before you think the wrong way, I want to emphasize that he didn't cheat. I was mad because he was there for too long, until almost in the middle of the night and because his texts were not clear enough telling what he's doing.

Yeah, you can call me possessive. I am. Not really, but maybe a bit. I just dont like he's with someone I dont know. I am not supposed to be insecure, but I just dont like it. I dont like him to be near a girl for too long, alone.

Okay, go back to the story. After receiving his text, I replied it. Unfortunately, his phone's off. I became worried, really really worried. At that time, I realized that I was too much. I tried again and again to call him, text him. I was supposed to know that he would be really different everytime we had a fight.

I was supposed to know that he's facing many problems lately. He has to take care of his final task, to take care of his responsibility, to take care of his friends, to take care of me, and I was supposed to be the one who made him happy. Last night? I gave him unpleasant thing, burdening him even heavier. For that, I'm really sorry.

This morning, I called him. We are fine already. I apologized. He apologized. And now, I just want to be more patient, to hear more, not using my oversensitive feeling, and I'm sure everything will be okay. Sometimes, I dont know why, I am very sensitive about us, otherwise I am very ignorance about what people think about me. I dont care what they say about me, what prank they make about me, I really dont mind the make jokes about me, even in front of my face. But related to my relationship, I am really sensitive.

Well... Love. It can change anything. If love is blind, yes I think I agree. It can make people do what they use to do. But love is pure, it's full of beauty. I am lucky to be able to feel it. *widyakilaz*

One-Third of January

Nggak kerasa 1/3 bulan Januari udah gw lewatin. I dont know what people think, but I think that I'm becoming better. Sebenernya "baik, lebih baik, dan paling baik" itu relatif. Jawabannya ada di masing-masing kita. Gw suka banget sama quotenya Raline, yang jadi Riani di film 5 cm, (more or less like this) "Start what you want. Do what you can. Use what you have. Ketika kita ingin sesuatu, just focus. Jangan liat kanan-kiri. Jadilah lebih baik versi diri kita sendiri." So, yang bisa tau diri kita lebih baik ya kita sendiri. Orang bisa menilai, dan bisa saja kita meng-iya-kan. But it could be a lie.

Well, setelah beberapa lama dan beberapa kali gw bilang mau mulai nulis lagi, nyatanya gw belum bisa rutin nulis. Kesibukan gw sebagai guru SD (wehehehehe...) menyita lebih dari setengah waktu yang gw punya. Bahkan, untuk punya waktu tidur yang normalpun masih belum bisa. Hampir tiap hari pulang malem dan begadang buat belajar. Tapi ini tantangan buat fisik dan mental gw. Walaupun basic gw bahasa Inggris, bukan guru SD, tapi gw yakin gw bisa ngerti sekali lagi pelajaran anak-anak SD.

Ya, gw nggak ngajar bahasa Inggris. Wah, kalo dosen gw tau pasti sedih tuh. Wehehehe... Gw ngajar pelajaran guru kelas--PKn, Bahasa Indonesia, Matematika, IPA, IPS, dan PLBJ, dan gw sendiri sekarang jadi wali kelas. Sumpah awalnya masih ngambang banget sama pelajarannya. Lupa. Makanya tiap malem gw belajar dulu. Gw nggak mau sampe ngeblank pas ngajarin anak-anak. Tantangan terbesar sih bukan sama materi pelajarannya sebenernya, tapi gimana anak-anak bisa ngerti. Kadang gw suka heran, pelajarannya gampang tapi anak-anak susah banget ngertinya. Beda sama pas gw ngajar SMA.

Yang pasti, sekarang gw lebih sering pulang malem. Udah mulai ada tugas ekstra dari sekolah. Mulai bulan Desember kemarin, gw jadi salah satu pelatih buat lomba musik ensamble tingkat SD. Kayaknya sih lombanya se-Al Azhar se-Indonesia. Gw nggak mau nyia-nyiain kesempatan ini. Gw mau tunjukkin that I am more than what I am now. Gw mau kembangin segala potensi yang gw punya. Tapi karena basically gw seneng musik (walaupun ga jago main), jadi tugas ekstra ini nggak gw jadiin beban. I do it with pleasure.

Sayangnya, kesibukan gw bikin badan gw sering sakit. Udah berapa kali ya gw sakit sejak ngajar di sini. Sekolah swasta ini entah kenapa kegiatannya banyak banget. Dan walaupun banyak guru yang bilang, "Semua yang di sini pasti awalnya sakit...", gw nggak mau itu jadi tren sekolah ini. Semua harus sehat. Sakit itu akibat kelalaian kita sendiri. Dan takdir tentunya. Tapi kalo kita tertib: makan teratur, istirahat cukup, pola hidup sehat, kita juga nggak akan sakit kok. Gw akuin, karena nyari makan di sini susah dan suka males nyempetin diri untuk makan/ngemil di sela-sela kesibukan, gw jadi sering sakit. Punya waktu istirahat yang cukup emang belum mungkin, tapi harusnya pola makan tetep dijaga. Gimanapun fisik adalah salah satu modal ngajar seorang guru. Suara serak dikit aja bisa gawattt... Apalagi tau sendiri kan di sini murid-muridnya kayak apa, wehehehe...

Oke deh. Mudah-mudahan semakin hari kita semua bisa semakin baik. Soal resolusi di tahun 2013 "fix what are needed to fix", udah mulai gw lakuin dengan ngebenerin keyboard netbuk gw yang rusak. Gila booooooo.... Ganti keyboard + ongkos pasang aja 500k. Apa kabar benerin autofocus SLR yak! Berarti harus rajin cari duit nih. Oke sip. Semangat! :* -widyakilaz-

Happy New Year 2013: Moving On

Nor to alter the Islamic New Year Idul Fitri, nor to follow others' nation tradition, but just to refresh my spirit in being a better person, I celebrated New Year's Eve last night. I didn't go somewhere with horns and fireflies, I didn't buy any of them, but I just stayed at my home with my mom and dad watching Salt Movie (and some other music performances). Well, before it my brother and his wife took us to Citos to have a dinner in Izzi Pizza. There were some attractions there--costumed dancers, clowns, etc.--and we were attracted to watch it for some times before finally going home. And when the countdown was started, I went to my roof, sitting there with my dad, enjoying the beautiful fireflies over the sky.

Source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9yvuccNMVdLbKarztXuvwNJHGDuauouN0jjAKzuwL0krSD82KfyykMIYWlOB5hJasJS5TxAVxBGZM6hrvDEsLFqtVzmlX5YfUXcZdDz1HbL3DWSNeqqk0RSGWCvmz14FydTNAZXJ7uOk/s1600/Happy+New+Year%2521.jpg

Unlike the previous years, I haven't made my resolutions yet until this time I write this. Hm... I'm still thinking--What do I want? Last year 2012 was the most fluctuative year for me. I was up and down and up and down and up and down, and that formed me into a stronger person. I experienced getting my first job after graduating, being unemployed because of some betrayals, getting my real job as a teacher assistant, promoted to be the real teacher, facing some obstacles during my teaching, facing students' parents, having my first school reports giving, having a fight with other teacher, being a gossiped girl at school, meeting my parents' boyfriend, and other things that I can't even mention here.

Well, this year I just want to be a better person. I want to do my work better, maintain my relationship better, making more friends at school, keeping in touch again with my old friends, fixing what are needed to fix, pursuing my dreams, and so forth. I want to actualize myself more than what I have ever done before. I want to show that I am more than what I am now. And this isn't just a crap. I'll prove it. Let's see how far I can go.

Alright.  I think writing will not prove anything. The action will be started right now. Bookstore, see you soon! :-) *widyakilaz*