"I'm sorry for last night..."

Hi. I've just had dinner with my parents when suddenly I remembered how childish I was last night. Yeah, after some peaceful time, we had a fight. Yesterday, my boyfriend met his high school friend who moved in Surabaya because of her work. I allowed him to meet her, I was okay with that. But, he was there for too long.

First, I texted him at 5 asking if he met her or not. He replied my text at 6.30 saying that he's sorry for replying the text too long, it's because he was having a conversation with her parents. In the text, he said that after that he would go back to lab. "Oh, okay!" I thought.

At 21.30, I called him. My call was rejected. Then a text arrived. He said that he's on the way home. Once again,, I thought that he was heading to lab. But, he wasn't. He had just had some meal with his friend. And when he said on the way, it meant on the way to her house.

At 11, I called him and he said that he's just about to go home. What?! My heart burned. Jealousy came filling my heart. I thought, he wasn't there anymore. I got mad at him, really mad, and kept saying I thought and I thought. Soon as he arrived at lab, I called him. We talked for a moment, then his friend said that their lecturer looked for him.

Actually, I wanted to discuss what I was feeling inside. But considering the situation, I decided to end the call--with fire still burning inside me. I just wanted him to realize how I felt. At that time, actually I felt that I was too cruel but I just wanted him to know how hurt I was. I cried.

After some minutes, I fell asleep. All I want was I would feel better the next morning. Yeah, I did. But he didn't. I was supposed to know that he would not be able to act like nothing happened. He sent me a text, saying that he's sorry.

Before you think the wrong way, I want to emphasize that he didn't cheat. I was mad because he was there for too long, until almost in the middle of the night and because his texts were not clear enough telling what he's doing.

Yeah, you can call me possessive. I am. Not really, but maybe a bit. I just dont like he's with someone I dont know. I am not supposed to be insecure, but I just dont like it. I dont like him to be near a girl for too long, alone.

Okay, go back to the story. After receiving his text, I replied it. Unfortunately, his phone's off. I became worried, really really worried. At that time, I realized that I was too much. I tried again and again to call him, text him. I was supposed to know that he would be really different everytime we had a fight.

I was supposed to know that he's facing many problems lately. He has to take care of his final task, to take care of his responsibility, to take care of his friends, to take care of me, and I was supposed to be the one who made him happy. Last night? I gave him unpleasant thing, burdening him even heavier. For that, I'm really sorry.

This morning, I called him. We are fine already. I apologized. He apologized. And now, I just want to be more patient, to hear more, not using my oversensitive feeling, and I'm sure everything will be okay. Sometimes, I dont know why, I am very sensitive about us, otherwise I am very ignorance about what people think about me. I dont care what they say about me, what prank they make about me, I really dont mind the make jokes about me, even in front of my face. But related to my relationship, I am really sensitive.

Well... Love. It can change anything. If love is blind, yes I think I agree. It can make people do what they use to do. But love is pure, it's full of beauty. I am lucky to be able to feel it. *widyakilaz*

Prepare for Tomorrow: 1st Day

Today, I'm informed that I've passed the test to teach in SD Al Azhar 20 Cibubur. I am still a teacher assistant, but I think this is a good place to start my career after SMAN 48 Jakarta. Actually I have no experience in teaching elementary students, but I'll accept the challenge. I hope this is a right decision.

Before this, actually I have been accepted in SMK Bina Citra Asia--a new little school in Kramat Jati. But I think I have to make a choice. Life is always full of choice, right? And there is often something to sacrifice. *widyakilaz*

For the Gentlemen in My Life: Thanks to You

People kept saying that yesterday was strange. Yeah, I kinda agree to that. Everyone got upset. Me was no exception. But thanks to you and dad, for the way different supports given to me.

My dad used to giving me objective opinion about something I'm whining and nagging about. Surprisingly, he didn't do something like that yesterday when I told him about someone who made me annoyed the other day. He said that there is a type of someone like that. I assumed he still remembered that I had told him the similar story with the similar person when I was still studying. He taught me some tips to get around with that--something honest, something hidden, and something whipping.

It went differently with my boyfriend. It went so objective that I got mad at him. Hehehe. I'm terribly sorry dear. Sometimes I just want to whine and nag without knowing whether or not I'm true. I cried because I disappointed with your response, not because my failure of getting in the school. I'm totally fine with that. I knew it before I got myself in, but I really had the desire to try because I was still afraid. I still can't handle my nervousness. And by following the test, I beat one of it.

You know, I am very grateful to have both of you. Danke. **widyakilaz**

A Special Feeling for a Special Person

I woke up this morning, feeling so grateful to have my love's with me, yours' with you. Sharing the stories of how you was and how you are, how I was and how I am, we accept the way we are. We have had so much tears but too much love to make those matter. We walk as the time expects us to walk, care as the love guides us to care. The stories of us would never end as long as we keep holding each others--not to be cliche, but yes-- forever. -kilaz

A song for your suck ex-lover: I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

I've found a song when I was watching Daydream Nation movie. The song is cool. It tells about Someone who meet his/her ex-lover long after they broke up. The ex was suck. (S)he left Someone for unknown reasons. It left the worst pain for Someone. But after some times, everything's changed. Someone's turned from an ugly duckling into a lovely swan. When they meet again, the ex sees the change, but the wound which the ex made would never be healed flown away. "It's a fleck on my porcelain skin." Someone said.

This is the song: Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars.

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Now, Someone has forgotten the ex. Someone's moved on. For someone, the ex is dead. The scar is still there, but Someone will never be the same. The ex? The ex lives in regret. How poor.  -kilaz

A Letter for You

Dear, MP.

Maaf atas sikap aku belakangan ini yang sangat nggak dewasa, cengeng, dan membingungkan. Hari ini aku nangis untuk yang kesekian kalinya dengan alasan yang nggak jelas. Dan membuat kamu pusing tentunya. Tapi aku nggak mau kayak gitu lagi. Aku beruntung deh, dengan kondisi aku yang lagi kayak gitu, kamu masih sabar dan mau nemuin aku. Tadi di motor, aku pinjam bahu kamu diam-diam untuk menyapu air mata aku yang tersisa. Bener-bener nenangin. Lama-lama aku nyesel sendiri kenapa aku harus sedih waktu kamu lagi nggak sama aku, dan kenapa aku mesti takut terus mikir yang nggak-nggak tentang kamu. Makasi atas hari ini Sayang. Kamu bener2 nyembuhin kesedihan dan kegalauan aku, membuat aku makin sayang dan yakin sama kamu. I love you, Sayang. -kilaz

I'm sorry for being not okay...

I just cant tell anybody how I feel... I dont trust anyone right now. I dont know why, but anytime I notice such situations, it burns. And I just can say nothing, except my heart, because it cries. So, sorry for being not okay. And I'm really not okay, at least until this time I write this post. -kilaz-

RT @ihatequotes I'd rather have 1 Best Friend than have 100 fake friends. #DamnItsTrue