For the Gentlemen in My Life: Thanks to You

People kept saying that yesterday was strange. Yeah, I kinda agree to that. Everyone got upset. Me was no exception. But thanks to you and dad, for the way different supports given to me.

My dad used to giving me objective opinion about something I'm whining and nagging about. Surprisingly, he didn't do something like that yesterday when I told him about someone who made me annoyed the other day. He said that there is a type of someone like that. I assumed he still remembered that I had told him the similar story with the similar person when I was still studying. He taught me some tips to get around with that--something honest, something hidden, and something whipping.

It went differently with my boyfriend. It went so objective that I got mad at him. Hehehe. I'm terribly sorry dear. Sometimes I just want to whine and nag without knowing whether or not I'm true. I cried because I disappointed with your response, not because my failure of getting in the school. I'm totally fine with that. I knew it before I got myself in, but I really had the desire to try because I was still afraid. I still can't handle my nervousness. And by following the test, I beat one of it.

You know, I am very grateful to have both of you. Danke. **widyakilaz**

"Jealousy can kill you." -Fela Dafitri

Have you ever felt something weird inside your heart when you hear someone's success? Have you ever felt your face burnt when you hear your friends' success? Have you ever felt that God unfairly treats because you get less than the others? Yes, I have ever felt it. And somehow and sometimes I still feel it.

Jealousy. A kind of abstract thing that can destroy yourself--physically and mentally. I'm still learning how to maintain this dreadful feeling. Sometimes, I feel jealous hearing my friends telling their success. I often feel that I am always left behind. I realize that I have lack of gratitude, and I am not proud to have this kind of character. I want to set myself free. In fact, I have a lot to be thanked to God. I don't want to be a  jealous person because it hurts myself. Here are some tips to do when jealousy is coming to you:

1. Listen carefully how hard your friends get their success, not only the success itself.
2. If your friends are not talking about their effort to get the success, ask them to tell you about it.
3. If your friends happen to get their success by luck (without any efforts), which you think is unacceptable, just laugh and tell yourself that you're gonna get your luck later.
4. If your friends are annoyingly telling their effortless success, just remember that luck doesn't last forever. Hihihi.
5. If you can't manage your feeling, just find a reason to leave the conversation.

When you feel uncomfortable hearing other peoples' success, maybe you should reflect to yourself. Have you ever swaggered yourself? Have you ever told much about your success to others? Don't you ever think that you may hurt people's feeling and pride? Now because you know that hearing others' success is not as easy as telling them your success, I think you should keep yourself a little--except your friend ask you to tell about your success to encourage them. Let's make ourselves free from jealousy!!! \(^o^)/ **widyakilaz**

"Don't you give up, keep your chin up, and be happy!"

Udah beberapa kali ini gw ngepost hal yang nggak penting di blog. Yah, sebenernya bagi gw sih penting2 aja. Tapi kan nggak tau menurut temen2 gimana. Well, pasti udah denger kan kalo gw udah lulus, hehe. Euforianya udah ilang dari beberapa minggu yang lalu, sekarang masih jadi pengangguran...

Berkaitan dengan rencana gw untuk liburan dan mukin di Kediri, gw jadi bingung mau ngelamar di mana. Sebelumnya, gw berencana untuk  ngelamar di Labschool. Tapi, karena sekolah itu buka lowongannya tahun ajaran baru, berarti gw masih nunggu beberapa bulan. Beberapa sekolah swasta yang berkualitas juga gitu. Sambil nunggu buka lowongan, gw mau ngelamar di bimbel atau malah ngerintis bikin bimbel sendiri... Selain karena pembukaan lowongan, gw sama 5 temen gw berencana backpacking ke Singapur di bulan Oktober nanti. Tiket pesawat dan hostel udah beres, tanggal udah fix, dan karena kita berenam kesana bukan pas hari libur jadi nggak enak kalo kerja di sekolah. Selain itu, akhir tahun ini gw juga berencana mau mukim di Kampung Inggris, Kediri selama dua bulan. Kalo kata Bapak gw sih, semedi. Kalo kata gw, reinkarnasi.

Tapi sodara2, rencana gw terancam batal karena tiba2 Bapak-Ibu gw nyuruh2 gw buruan ngelamar kerja di sekolah. Sambil nunggu lowongan sekolah2 yang diinginkan, gw bisa ngelamar di sekolah2 yang ada di sekitar gw. Parah dah. Bahkan baru aja gw selesai sidang Bapak bilang, "Udah sana rajin2 bikin lamaran..." Jleb banget. Hahaha... Artinya, rencana ke Kediri batal, dan ke Singapur...hm...diusahakan...hm...harus jadilah! Wong tiketnya udah beli.

Rencana gw sekarang sih, gw mau jalanin Ramadhan dulu. Dan yang pasti puas2in ketemu seseorang yang bela2in nggak mudik sama keluarganya dan memilih lebaran sendirian di Jakarta demi bisa sama2 gw (dan mungkin beberapa orang terdekat lainnya) lebih lama karena abis lebaran dy harus buru2 ke luar kota. Hiks. Seseorang yang tadi pagi2 buta udah gw bikin kesel dan khawatir sama kelakuan gw yang bahkan nggak ngerti kenapa gw ngelakuin itu. Maaf ya sayang. I promise not to do it again. I am really sorry for everything I'd said and done. It's just...my childish fear couldn't compromize with everything last night, and I brought it 'til this morning. I was wrong.

Oke. Balik ke soal akademik gw. Wisuda. Yeay!! Sesuatu yang gw tunggu2. Seperti yang gw bilang, gw bakal wisuda tanggal 24 September, dan itu bertepatan dengan hari ulang tahun gw yang ke-22. Seneng banget, ya Allah! Yah, walaupun pasti lebih sempurna lagi kalo Monda Perdana sebagai pacar bisa hadir dan bawain gw kue, bunga, dan boneka. Hehehe. Ngarep bener. Sayangnya, pacar gw ini nggak bisa dateng. Pastinya dy lagi ada di Surabaya, kuliah--dan kerja. Dalam waktu 1 tahun, biasanya pegawai nggak dikasih waktu cuti, simpelnya sih itu artinya MP nggak akan balik dalam waktu setahun. Mudah2an aja gw cepet dapet kerja, supaya punya duit buat ngunjungin MP kesana. Nggak bisa ngebayangin kalo bener2 nggak bisa ketemu, hehe.

Oh iya, ngomong2, resolusi tahun 2011 gw hampir tercapai semua masa... Padahal kan masih setengah tahun lebih dikit. Asik banget deh... Hehehe. Senang sekali deh!!! Walaupun ngedapetinnya nggak gampang dan banyak hambatan, gw nggak nyangka gw bisa.

December 18, 2010

RESOLUSI TAHUN 2011

1. Jadi Sarjana Pendidikan Bahasa Inggris UNJ
2. Beli Netbook pake duit sendiri
3. Nurunin berat badan jadi 49 kg
4. Bisa satu taunan sama...ehm...pacar

Semoga tercapai. Amin. -kilaz

Yang belum tercapai cuma resolusi yang nomer 4. Insya Allah, akan tercapai, dan sangat ingin tercapai. MP pernah nanya gini, "Kok cuma satu tahunan? Berarti abis satu tahun putus dong...?" Trus gw jawab deh, kalo nggak ada satu tahun, nggak akan ada dua tahun, tiga tahun, empat, lima, dua puluh, lima puluh, sampe mati. Bener kan temen2?

Ngomong2, ada hal yang sangat gw suka dari bulan Ramadhan. Kenapa? Karena gw bisa ketemu temen2 yang udah lama banget nggak ketemu--temen SD, SMP, SMA, kuliah. Ahh!! Kangen. Dan momennya sekarang tepat banget. Abis banyak yang lulus (buat yang belum lulus, harus tetep semangat ya, yang penting bukan lulus tepat waktu, tapi lulus pada waktu yang tepat). Obrolannya juga udah 180 derajat. Banyak yang udah ngomongin kerjaan. Hahaha. Yah, walaupun gw sendiri belom kerja, tapi menarik aja dengernya. Banyak yang bilang sih, sebenernya kerja nggak enak. But I'm still excited to hear about it. Surely, there will be obstacles after other obstacles, right? Because life doesn't end when we graduate, but life has just begun after it. What's different is, we will no longer be carried on our parents backs but stand by our own feet. -kilaz

It is you and me against the world. Don't waste your time for tomorrow. With you by my side, I can do anything. You and me against the world. Goodbye to all of our sorrows. So let's just put them aside. Put all the worries behind us. -Mocca

What is wrong with you?

You looked unusual today.
You were cold.
You were not cheerful.
You didn't laugh at my silly joke.
You made me worried Honey.
Were you mad at me?
Two days ago, everything seemed okay.
Until yesterday night.
I was being dumb again.
But, we were cool about that.
Hey Honey, I felt like in hell when you were like this.
I felt very guilty.
I really wanted to hear your laugh again.
I didn't want to be like this.
I hated such situation.
I LOVE YOU HONEY.

Date: June, 5th 2011
Time: 10.15 PM

**********

Tuhkan bener. Kamu bilang kamu lagi nggak kenapa2, cuma capek. Ternyata emang lagi bete. Untung semuanya udah beres, hehe. Kamu jangan gitu lagi ah. Kok jadi ketularan aku sih... Well, the best part after fighting is that our love always grows up more and more. -kilaz

A Letter for You

Dear, MP.

Maaf atas sikap aku belakangan ini yang sangat nggak dewasa, cengeng, dan membingungkan. Hari ini aku nangis untuk yang kesekian kalinya dengan alasan yang nggak jelas. Dan membuat kamu pusing tentunya. Tapi aku nggak mau kayak gitu lagi. Aku beruntung deh, dengan kondisi aku yang lagi kayak gitu, kamu masih sabar dan mau nemuin aku. Tadi di motor, aku pinjam bahu kamu diam-diam untuk menyapu air mata aku yang tersisa. Bener-bener nenangin. Lama-lama aku nyesel sendiri kenapa aku harus sedih waktu kamu lagi nggak sama aku, dan kenapa aku mesti takut terus mikir yang nggak-nggak tentang kamu. Makasi atas hari ini Sayang. Kamu bener2 nyembuhin kesedihan dan kegalauan aku, membuat aku makin sayang dan yakin sama kamu. I love you, Sayang. -kilaz

I miss you so badly. But you're out of reach.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

For me it happens all the time...

-Lady Antebellum

You and Me Against the World

I've got a boyfriend now
He is my dearest pal
He'll always catch me when I fall
He's always there when I call

I just can't say how much I gratitude to have him beside me.  He's a friend, he's a pal, he's a dad, he's a teacher., he's a lover., and he's whom I want to be with right now. His love, his patient, his caring, and his everything are go along with me. What I did, what I am doing, and what I will do are done in the name of love. And it's true. Hold my heart, take care of it, don't disappoint me, then I'll promise that I will do the same. -kilaz

I love you because you plant butterflies in my tummy! :p

"I love you because you plant butterflies in my tummy..."

Title: Butterflies in My Tummy

Artist: Mocca

Album: Dear Friends

I have butterflies flying around inside my tummy when I'm with you

I hear bell-chimes ringing blown by wind of spring when I'm with you

Oh, this tingling feeling makes me wanna jump makes me wanna shout across the room

Oh, this feeling of longing but damn, it's so blinding

I just can't tell if I feel happy or sad

I hear blue birds singing up around the tree when I'm with you

I see rainbows appearing everywhere I go when I'm with you

Oh, this tingling feeling makes me wanna sigh

makes me wanna fly across the moon

Oh, this feeling of longing but damn, it's so blinding

I just can't tell if I feel happy or sad

I have butterflies flying around inside my tummy when I'm with you

***

If you read this, yes, it's (still) totally for you! -kilaz

Do you miss me...? :p

Gila, udah lama banget gw nggak ngeblog. Kangen banget curhat di sini... Tapi kejadian-kejadian kemaren udah terlalu banyak, susah juga untuk diinget-inget lagi. Yang jelas, seminggu kemaren shitty banget. Tapi banyak juga yang seru...

Oh iya, beberapa hari yang lalu, untuk pertama kalinya gw jalan-jalan ke Bundaran HI. Gw denger-denger di sana suka ada orang yang hunting foto. Hmm, faktanya, Bundaran HI di tengah malam nggak seseru kayak yang orang-orang bilang. Ada sih yang hunting foto, tapi malem itu cuma dikit. Tapi ya gw akhirnya percaya 100% bahwa Jakarta nggak pernah tidur. Gw di sana sampe jam 12 malem, dan masih banyak orang beraktivitas.

Abis dari sana, gw sama temen-temen gw mampir ke MCD Arion. Makan. Gw sendiri, asik baca buku yang abis gw beli dari Gramed sebelum ke Bundaran HI. Buku  yang gw baca berjudul In Bed with Model$ karya Moammar Emka, pengaran Jakarta Undercover dan Jakarta Underground. Katanya, ini kisah nyata tentang model-model Indonesia. Kenyataan tergelap para model tersebut. Oh iya, di Gramed lagi ada obral buku...!! Gw beli 12 buku (novel sastra terbitan Kompas) totalnya cuma 92 ribu. Gila, murah abis!! :D

Jam setengah 2 lewat, gw ama temen-temen gw balik ke kosan. Kita pulangnya ngendap-ngendap kayak maling. Hahaha. Soalnya jam malem cuma sampe jam 10. Nggak begitu ngaruh sih, soalnya kita semua punya kunci gembok. Tapi kadang yang punya kosan suka rese.. Untung temen gw ada yang jago buka gerbang gak bunyi... :p :p Well, sepertinya sampe di sini aja dulu. See ya!! -kilaz-

My quote: 

I hate the way you make me fly and make me fall, but that I still love you means you're very lucky!!

You can go wherever you want to go. If you're already tired, you know where you can always find me!

Ini bukan bullshit. Paling tidak untuk sekarang. Karena aku sedang mencintaimu. -kilaz-

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky

You can hide underneath me

and come out at night

And I'll turn jet black, when you show off your light

I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine

And you can skyrocket away from me

And never come back if you find another galaxy

Far from here, with more rooms to fly

Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you'll be my boat, I'll be your sea

The depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity

Ebbing and flowing and push by a breeze

I live to make you free, I live to make you free

And you can set sail to the west if you want to

And past the horizon, 'til I cant even see you

Far from here, where the beaches are wide

Just leave me your awake to remember you by

-Boats and Birds, Gregory and the Hawk-

My Friends said: "Go get the one that you love..."

Yang namanya rahasia, akhirnya akan kebongkar juga... Hmm, masih terkait dengan postingan yang sebelumnya, akhirnya gw menyimpulkan kalo temen2 gw lebih mendukung kalo gw mengejar orang yang gw sayang, dengan catatan gw harus memastikan perasaan orang tersebut. Persyaratan yang sangat sulit buat gw. Selama ini, gw fine-fine aja kayak gini. Tapi lama-lama gerah juga. Pengen deh bilang terus terang. Sahabat gw, Uma bilang kayak gini:

Kalo emang ga kuat, maka sudahi saja. Dengan cara menurunkan sedikit ego dan gengsi dan kemudian katakan sejujurnya. Karena tak semua orang bisa disadarkan hanya dengan sindiran. Maka maksud utama lah yang harus diutarakan. Ini lebih baik daripada harus menyakiti hati sendiri terus menerus. :D Save the last bullet!

Save the last bullet. Itu kata-kata terakhir yang dibilang Uma. Ya. The last bullet itu emang harapan gw satu-satunya yang gw simpen selama berbulan-bulan. Well, banyak hal yang bikin gw bertahan sampe sekarang. Dia yang tidak peka itu, bahkan mungkin menganggap itu cuma lelucon. Gak ngerti, tapi gw ngerasa belom saatnya berterus terang tentang hal ini. Gw belum siap. Emang sih ketidakpekaan dia semakin lama semakin membuat gw sedih, tapi gw masih pengen selalu di samping dia, mungkin bukan sebagai pacar. Sahabat gw, Uwie, bilang kalo gw terlalu berharga untuk tersakiti seperti ini.

Sabar sayaaang, gak selamanya apa yang kita inginkan bisa menjadi milik kita. Emang bener, gak mudah untuk ngelepas itu semua. Tapi gak baik juga kalau kita terus terusan menyakiti diri kita sendiri.. Diri kamu terlalu berharga untuk itu.. :)

Hehehe. Pastilah sahabat kita bilang begitu. Namanya juga sahabat. Hmm... Cinta tidak harus memiliki. Pribahasa yang indah, tapi gw gak sepenuhnya setuju. Pribahasa itu, setelah gw pikir-pikir, cuma untuk menghibur orang yang cintanya bertepuk sebelah tangan. Hehehe. Mulai dah sotoy gw... Oia, senior gw, Ka Toni, bilang gini:

True love doesn't mean that U've gotta own someone, but how you give the best to someone U love to own something. God knows better what the best is for U, my dear. Don't waste your life span just for nothing, let it be, let it be. Let bygone be bygone. :-D

Maaf ka, tapi kayaknya aku tetep belum setuju. Hehehe... Ya udahlah. Mungkin dia yang tidak peka itu memang harus diingatkan dan disadarkan. Ya Allah, sadarkan dia. Masa sih selama ini gak sadar-sadar... Perasaan gw udah nunjukin kalo gw care sama dia. Dasar tidak peka. Udah berapa lama sih dia kenal gw? Kok gak sadar-sadar...? Ckckck. Aduh. Pusing jadinya. -kilaz-

I care, but you don't. Then, what should I do? I miss you more than words can say.

Huh. Kebiasaan deh. Kalo lagi sendirian, jadi mellow. Trus investigate yang gak perlu dan malah ujung-ujungnya bikin sedih.

Hmm... Actually, I miss a friend of mine. Lately, he's gone. He seems to avoid me. I don't know why. I am sad. I really am. But I don't have a bravery to ask. He has been so nice to me. Maybe I have asked too much so he left. I wish I can turn back time, and never asked things he didn't want to do. I wish I could fix everything so I can still have him beside me.

God, I miss my friend so badly. Maybe I wasn't grateful before. But, I beg you, please give him back to me. I promise I will protect this relationship better. -kilaz-

You fall in love. You don't know what to do.

Contagious

by Avril Lavigne 

When you're around I don't know what to do
I do not think that I can wait
To go over and to talk to you
I do not know what I should say
And I walk out in silence
That's when i start to realize
What you bring to my life
Damn this guy can make me cry
[Chorus]
It's so contagious
I cannot get it out of my mind
It's so outrageous
You make me feel so high
All the time
They all say that you're no good for me
But I'm too close to turn around
I'll show them they don't know anything
I think I've got you figured out
So I walk out in silence
That's when i start to realize
What you bring to my life
Damn this guy can make me smile
[Chorus]
I'll give you everything
I'll treat you right
If you just give me a chance
I can prove I'm right
[Chorus X2]
All the time

Contagious. Salah satu Lagu Avril Lavigne di albumnnya The Best Damn Thing. Pas banget buat orang yang lagi jatuh cinta dah nggak tau harus berbuat apa. Hehe. Ada lagi nih lagu yang sejenis dengan genre yang berbeda. Pasti udah tau kan lagu When You Love Someonenya Endah n Rhesa di album Nowhere to Go? Hoho. Jadi, kalo kamu lagi ngalamin kejadian ini, saatnya membiarkan kedua lagu ini mengalun di playlist kita! :) -kilaz-

When You Love Someone

by Endah n Rhesa 

I love you but it's not so easy to make you here with me
I wanna touch and hold you forever
But you're still in my dream
And I can't stand to wait ‘till nite is coming to my life
But I still have a time to break a silence
When you love someone
Just be brave to say that you want him to be with you
When you hold your love
Don't ever let it go
Or you will loose your chance
To make your dreams come true...
I used to hide and watch you from a distance and i knew you realized
I was looking for a time to get closer at least to say... “hello”
And I can't stand to wait your love is coming to my life
When you love someone
Just be brave to say that you want him to be with you
When you hold your love
Don't ever let it go
Or you will loose your chance
To make your dreams come true...
And I never thought that I'm so strong
I stuck on you and wait so long
But when love comes it can't be wrong
Don't ever give up just try and try to get what you want
Cause love will find the way....
When you love someone
Just be brave to say that you want him to be with you
When you hold your love
Don't ever let it go
Or you will loose your chance
To make your dreams come true...